Saturday, April 8, 2017

I'm So Sorry ...

I went to a big-screen showing of 2001: A Space Odyssey this past Monday, and for some reason, I started imagining the alternate reality where Pete the Retailer and Alex Robinson from Star Wars Minute did their podcast about Kubrick's masterpiece instead of Lucas's.

With no further ado ...

Highlights from 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute

Minute 1

(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

PTR: Hello, and welcome to 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute -- the daily podcast where we analyze, scrutinize, and celebrate Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm Pete the Retailer, from petetheretailer.com.

Alex: And I'm Alex Robinson, from comicbookalex.com.

PTR: Today, we'll be talking about minute one of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Minute one begins with a completely black screen showing while a bunch of really strange music plays, and it ends one minute later with a completely black screen showing while a bunch of really strange music plays.

Alex: This is some really strange music.

PTR: That it is. You know, the movie was originally scored by composer Alex North, but Kubrick decided at the last minute to throw North's music out and replace it with classical and contemporary orchestral music.

Alex: I did not know that.

(20 minutes later)

PTR: ... then join us tomorrow for another 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute.

Alex (crosstalk): 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute.

Minute 2

(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

Alex: Welcome back to 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute -- the daily podcast where we analyze, scrutinize, and celebrate Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm Alex Robinson, from comicbookalex.com.

PTR: And I'm Pete the Retailer, from petetheretailer.com.

Alex: Today, we'll be talking about minute two of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Minute two begins with a completely black screen showing while a bunch of really strange music plays, and it ends one minute later with a completely black screen showing while a bunch of really strange music plays.

(18 minutes later)

Alex: ... then join us tomorrow for another 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute.

PTR (crosstalk): 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute.

Minute 6

(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

Alex: Welcome back to 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute -- the daily podcast where we analyze, scrutinize, and celebrate Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm Alex Robinson, from comicbookalex.com.

PTR: And I'm Pete the Retailer, from petetheretailer.com.

ToCo: And I'm Tony Consiglio, from mini-comics such as Double-Cross!

Alex: Thanks for joining us today, Tony. We're glad you could make it.

ToCo: My pleasure. Now, am I getting this right? Are we talking about a different minute each day?

PTR: Yes, that's right.

ToCo: Because the DVD you sent me -- it just had the same thing 5 times, and no video.

Alex: Well, we'll get to that. So, to set the stage, today, we'll be talking about minute six of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Minute six begins with a completely black screen showing while a bunch of really strange music plays, and it ends one minute later with a completely black screen showing while a bunch of really strange music plays.

ToCo: Now, let me tell you, when it comes to a movie screen, Kubrick really knows how to paint it black.

Alex: Wrong podcast.

(20 minutes later)

Alex: So, Tony, will you be able to join us again tomorrow?

ToCo: Um, couldn't you just replay today's episode? Like, four more times?

PTR: I'm afraid that's not how we do it.

ToCo: Okay, if you say so.

Alex: 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute

PTR (crosstalk): 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute

ToCo (delayed): 2001 ... A Space Odyssey ... Geez, by the end of the week, I'll be dead!

Minute 14

(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

Alex: Welcome back to 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute -- the daily podcast where we analyze, scrutinize, and celebrate Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm Alex Robinson, from comicbookalex.com.

PTR: And I'm Pete the Retailer, from petetheretailer.com.

Josh: And I'm Josh Flanagan, of the upcoming Goodfellas Minute podcast.

Alex: My hat's off too you, Josh. I don't know how you guys are going to do that. I mean, sooo much happens in every minute of Goodfellas. Your episodes are going to be hours long.

Josh: Well, we're going to give it a go. You guys really inspired us.

Alex: Today, we're talking about minute 14 of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Minute 14 begins with the sun rising on the horizon, and ends one minute later, with a bunch of ape-men sitting around a water hole.

PTR: I know the first three days were tough, Josh, but a lot happens in today's minute.

Alex: Action packed.

Josh: I was getting pretty tired of sunrises, so this minute was a relief.

...

Minute 18:

PTR: Today's episode of 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute is brought to you by Hallo Fresh.

(jaunty advertising music)

Alex: Hey, Pete! What's that amazing smell?

PTR: I just finished making dinner.

Alex: Mmmm! Flat trays of orange stuff, green stuff, brown stuff, and yellow stuff! My favorite!

PTR: Careful, don't burn your fingers. Those are right out of the heating unit.

Alex: Wow, this is so much better than those old space meals that we had to drink through straws. How did you make such an amazing meal?

PTR (aside to audience): Should I tell him? Should I tell him these trays of stuff came from Hallo Fresh? No, I'd better keep it secret.

Alex: Come on, Pete, tell me how!

PTR: I'm afraid I can't do that, Alex.

(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

...

Alex: Today, we're talking about minute 18 of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Minute 18 begins with the  ape-men sitting around their water hole, and it ends exactly 60 seconds later with the  ape-men sitting around their water hole.

...

Minute 56

(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

Alex: Welcome back to 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute -- the daily podcast where we analyze, scrutinize, and celebrate Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm Alex Robinson, from comicbookalex.com.

PTR: And I'm Pete the Retailer, from petetheretailer.com.

Jacob Siroff: And I'm Jacob Siroff, from ihatestanelykubrick.com.

Alex: Today, we're talking about minute 56 of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Minute 56 begins with the camera slowly tracking along the length of the U.S.S. Discovery One to the solemn strains of Gayane's Adagio, and ends one minute later with the camera slowly tracking along the length of the U.S.S. Discovery One to the solemn strains of Gayane's Adagio.

PTR: We're really glad you could join us, Jacob.

Alex: And what a minute to start off with! This is the controversial third straight minute of the camera tracking along the length of Discovery. Any thoughts?

Jacob Siroff: Okay, so, like every other minute of this movie, this one just proves that 2001 is one of the worst movies ever made. And by that I mean, it's a Kubrick movie. To me, there's Kubrick, and then there's all other horrible movies ever in the entirety of history.

PTR: Wow. That's an unusual stance.

Jacob Siroff: I don't care. And if anyone says any different, I'm going to prove them 100% wrong.

...


Minute 72

(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

Alex: Welcome back to 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute -- the daily podcast where we analyze, scrutinize, and celebrate Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm Alex Robinson, from comicbookalex.com.

PTR: And I'm Pete the Retailer, from petetheretailer.com.

Chris R: And I'm Chris Radtke of the Wookie Dance Party podcast.

Alex: Today, we're discussing minute 72 of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Minute 72 begins with Astronauts David Bowman and Frank Pool eating different colors of goo from rectangular trays, and it ends one minute later with Hal 9000 saying that he first came online in the year 1992.

PTR: 92.

Alex: So, Chris, any opinions on just what it is that the astronauts are eating?

Chris R: I can't tell. But it kinda looks like garbage.

...

Minute 143


(Theme music: disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

PTR: Welcome back to 2001: A Space Odyssey Minute -- the daily podcast where we analyze, scrutinize, and Hal gets lobotomized --

Alex: (laughter)

PTR: Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey.

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